Stranger in a familiar land...

Hmm... hmmmmmmm.... Where am I?

This city is new, old and smells faintly of memory. I came back not knowing what to expect, now I am here expecting not to know.

Last night I saw tens of old people who left my mind when I left three years ago, and although we have changed, we all expect others to remain the same. I see them looking at my familiar face and anticipating familiar words and actions, projecting their image of a teenaged girl onto my twenty-something self. It is even more disconcerting to see myself pandering to this anticipation, watching my body contort itself to fit to their idea of me, and my voice spouting the things they expect to hear.

I cannot help but change when I am gone, and when I return I cannot help but stay the same.

Rachel said that to her now, the city is a different one. Which made me think about space, and 'mapping' (thanks to the infamous christian for that one) and frankly about how a million of us inhabit this space and all live in a different place. We take different routes in our cars, we have associations with corners, stores, the beach and the mountains. I look at the lions and tears spring into my eyes. I see the Japanese Gardens and am reminded of nights spent playing hide and seek in the dark, I remember my own life through this city, and each of us sees it differently. Strange. I told her that I hoped the city would change for me as well, because I couldn't bear to come back and be forced to remain seventeen years old for the rest of my life.