Tainted Love

Something that was new is old again, something old has returned in my rebirth. Everything we touch is tainted. A hand that feels different, fingers meshed in new ways, and my search for familiar spaces comes up empty. It is not his hand, and I am tainted.

Every breath is new and old, every kiss a different moment. Each time his lips touch mine I cast back, his hand on my face is strange, foreign yet familiar. This will never go away.

The rest of my life will be spent with ghosts, silent whispers of the past impeding my present. He is lovely and amazing, I am tainted and twisted and strange. I vacillate from one extreme to the next. "I have never met anyone like you before" and it is true. At the same time, his voice on my machine is suffocating, the plans for tomorrow both invading my life and making me smile.

I want this, I do, I love it. Yet, yet here I feel wrong, it is wrong, I still love. I am not cleansed from before, my past is still wicked. I wonder if this is my new status quo, if everything I touch from now on will be somehow haunted, or if it just means I am not ready yet. But it is already too late for second thoughts, I'm in this now.

"If it ain't here it doesn't really matter where you go"

And yet I cannot help but feel so guilty, like I hiding something from him... but how can I hide something I don't know myself?