A new day

I got home this morning from my trip.

The worst part of my time away was driving in his car. It remained eerily familiar and I couldn't shake my discomfort.

When I left, dry-eyed, Carl, Noel and I sped towards the station. A familiar song, old, but somehow lined up on CD as if I was meant to hear it. The tears came then, as I played my Waterloo montage through my mind.

I wrote this post sitting in the Kitchener train station on Sunday night, my train was almost half an hour late. I will not edit it, because that would change what it means.

I listened to Tracy Chapman, which was probably a bad idea, and played our montage. It was lovely, and I recalled things that I hadn't thought of in a year. It felt good to be able to smile.

I cried, and the people around me pretended not to notice.

But once the train pulled away, I disconnected.

"I'll wake up in a different place. What is it worth? She asked me why I had come, and I couldn't tell her. I didn't know.

When he said, "Speechless, for once," my heart broke a little. I could feel my old life starting to slide away. These are the first of so many people I will say goodbye to. It feels like the beginning of an end.

Twelve hours in transit, I am born again. Understanding, somehow, that in the grand scheme of my life, this has been so much and so insignificant. That we have shaped each other, even if I am inclined to admit it, and he prefers to stay silent. He has his reasons as I have mine.

'If it had to be someone, I'm glad it was you'

I could almost hear the words slip past lips. My boo, my ex, my zed, now something else. I will wake up to a new dawn, a beginning as much as an end."

And so ended my trip, which ultimately I am glad to have taken. What did I get out of it? Some degree of closure, of awareness that we had managed to pass the awkward ex stage and move into reestablishing ourselves as friends. While we will never be quite the same again, it seemed like a step in the right direction. I have managed to let go, to reduce bitterness and my convictions that I built to save my heart so long ago. It feels like years. I am glad we had enough time to pass the awkwardness and see each other as we did two years ago: as friends, as people who deeply care for each other and know each other so well.

I no longer feel that he has just written me out of his life; I realize that it is as impossible for him as it is for me. Such time, such changes we wrought upon each other. That will never disappear.

He and I will always have good memories, and space in each others' hearts.