Self-Destruct

As if I thought Friday night was bad... my weekend degenerated rapidly into self-destruction. After following my rules to a 'T', I stepped over the edge into oblivion. I became somebody else for a night. She wasn't kind to my body, and the next day left me in considerable pain. Such is the price to pay for such self-abuse. I know that I will not be abusing any substances in the near future, and those I do abuse will be mostly legal.

I still feel mildly wretched. I can't shake this gaping hole that has appeared in me, a side effect of the drugs and the rejection. I am packing and doing laundry in a half-baked daze, wondering if all of this is real.

I finally heard things that I have always wanted to hear, and that was a small victory. The larger victory was how I reacted, with a smile and a sense of satisfaction, but nothing more. I have come out of the other side now, and things are different over here.

Rushing to push myself back into normalcy in time for my departure is taking its toll, I vacillate wildly from deep sadness and regret, to anger and then into resignation. I cannot stay angry because it costs too much, I cannot stay sad because it hurts. I need to reconcile all of this by Sunday. I hate him for putting me here.