Charging through the gates
So I've been incommunicado, sue me. Life has been... well... shitty. Since Saturday I have had a bad run of days, and I'm hoping that they'll come out soon, I'm sick of feeling bummed out. Dumping aside, well, its not just that of course, there is always more going on.
Last night I spoke to Ray for the first time in months. He claims it hasn't been as long as it truly has. I wish he could come out to Montreal, I wish I could be there for him. Its not like we're either of us bad friends, just that stuff always gets in the way.
I have been feeling so restless, pensive, thoughtful, angry, ambivalent about life, about school. I am alternately irresponsible and anal, cheerful and miserable, always crazy and always spastic, jumping through life's hoops with a grin and a tear. Five minutes of stillness is extensive.
Secured Friend's email address today, I refuse to let her go even if he has cut me out. I have no hard feelings, its the first break-up where I really believe I could be friends. The scary part is that there was nothing really wrong, and frankly I worry that things will develop as they did before when we tried to be just friends... so perhaps friends would be impossible... or lovely. Ugh.
Speaking of, I have been going through stages that I know well enough by now to identify and mull over as I am experiencing them. It is almost like floating above my body and laughing at myself and how predictable I am. Right now I am stuck on "thinking of all the things that were good, ignoring all the bad, and feeling almost certain that if x or y hadn't gone down as they had, things could have been perfect". This is ludicrous, because frankly, when we were together I never thought anything would be perfect. I am aware of the silliness and yet cannot shake the sense that if he would just call and beg me back it would all be perfect. Which is even more ridiculous, because frankly I don't know that I want him back. Although, as I said to Ju today, I have now been spoiled and don't expect to find anything comparable in a very long time. Boys our age just don't seem to have that down.
Speaking of, I can only assume that younger boys know even less. Today the Bostonian (first appearance explanation: boy in my class, terribly sweet, almost too sweet, used to catch him looking at me) called me on looking 'down' in conference... how could he tell I was staring out into the pouring rain and contemplating Roomie? Apparently some people can read me like a book, even those I don't know very well. We walked down the stairs and chatted. He is so young, and so sweet. We have a tentative study date. Check your V-Cards at the door please.
Last night I hit Jello with J and Daniel, and his mother. As J pointed out, there is nothing like soul music to soothe an aching heart... especially live soul music like this. It was a lovely night, except the part when J offered me a cigarette and I spent the next few minutes feeling like my mother was watching me smoke. J didn't understand, he joked that maybe Daniel's mother wouldn't want me marrying her son anymore. Frankly, I didn't think it was that funny, and anyways, its my own guilt at wanting a cig with my Manhattan that I'm projecting. But as 'Na said this Saturday "You got dumped, you deserve a cig". You said it sister.
As we pulled back up to my apartment at 2am, the entryway dark since we had lost power while I was on the phone to Ray hours before, I gave into J's good natured prodding and agreed to meet his roommate. He has been plying this guy on me since I started dating Roomie. So this Friday I will be rushing from cramming to dinner with coworkers to J's show, since his roommate is the drummer in their band.
Here's to new adventures, and the joys of single life... I am sure that in a few weeks, all I'll be missing is the mind-blowing sex.
Last night I spoke to Ray for the first time in months. He claims it hasn't been as long as it truly has. I wish he could come out to Montreal, I wish I could be there for him. Its not like we're either of us bad friends, just that stuff always gets in the way.
I have been feeling so restless, pensive, thoughtful, angry, ambivalent about life, about school. I am alternately irresponsible and anal, cheerful and miserable, always crazy and always spastic, jumping through life's hoops with a grin and a tear. Five minutes of stillness is extensive.
Secured Friend's email address today, I refuse to let her go even if he has cut me out. I have no hard feelings, its the first break-up where I really believe I could be friends. The scary part is that there was nothing really wrong, and frankly I worry that things will develop as they did before when we tried to be just friends... so perhaps friends would be impossible... or lovely. Ugh.
Speaking of, I have been going through stages that I know well enough by now to identify and mull over as I am experiencing them. It is almost like floating above my body and laughing at myself and how predictable I am. Right now I am stuck on "thinking of all the things that were good, ignoring all the bad, and feeling almost certain that if x or y hadn't gone down as they had, things could have been perfect". This is ludicrous, because frankly, when we were together I never thought anything would be perfect. I am aware of the silliness and yet cannot shake the sense that if he would just call and beg me back it would all be perfect. Which is even more ridiculous, because frankly I don't know that I want him back. Although, as I said to Ju today, I have now been spoiled and don't expect to find anything comparable in a very long time. Boys our age just don't seem to have that down.
Speaking of, I can only assume that younger boys know even less. Today the Bostonian (first appearance explanation: boy in my class, terribly sweet, almost too sweet, used to catch him looking at me) called me on looking 'down' in conference... how could he tell I was staring out into the pouring rain and contemplating Roomie? Apparently some people can read me like a book, even those I don't know very well. We walked down the stairs and chatted. He is so young, and so sweet. We have a tentative study date. Check your V-Cards at the door please.
Last night I hit Jello with J and Daniel, and his mother. As J pointed out, there is nothing like soul music to soothe an aching heart... especially live soul music like this. It was a lovely night, except the part when J offered me a cigarette and I spent the next few minutes feeling like my mother was watching me smoke. J didn't understand, he joked that maybe Daniel's mother wouldn't want me marrying her son anymore. Frankly, I didn't think it was that funny, and anyways, its my own guilt at wanting a cig with my Manhattan that I'm projecting. But as 'Na said this Saturday "You got dumped, you deserve a cig". You said it sister.
As we pulled back up to my apartment at 2am, the entryway dark since we had lost power while I was on the phone to Ray hours before, I gave into J's good natured prodding and agreed to meet his roommate. He has been plying this guy on me since I started dating Roomie. So this Friday I will be rushing from cramming to dinner with coworkers to J's show, since his roommate is the drummer in their band.
Here's to new adventures, and the joys of single life... I am sure that in a few weeks, all I'll be missing is the mind-blowing sex.
posted by Care @ 2:17 a.m.
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