Inside Out

Putting my underwear on inside out this morning was just the last in a series of rather silly and inexplicable things I've done. There were no goodbyes yesterday, because that would be a downer, but at the same time I ran through names and said goodnight.

Random things happen to me when nobody else is around to keep me being sensible. Last night I had a ride home from a random man who is now my friend in Vancouver. The long version of that story is incomprehensible, and probably boring. Perhaps I stumbled unknowingly, perhaps he could hear my whispering. I wanted to go home.

I felt so anti-social last night, after a day at OAP I could not seem to chit chat with people I'd never see again. Maybe this is me coming to terms with leaving. Feeling strange, I could not pretend not to know him and so I had to leave. I refused to have my 'lady friend' status rubbed in my face, although I have few problems with it in practice.

Today I'm off to catch up on lost time with one of my best friends in the world. We are so different from each other, and somehow, that's perfect.

Oh gotta see gotta know right now.
What's that riding on your everything?
It isn't anything at all.
Oh gotta see, gotta know right now.
What's that writing on your shelf in the bathrooms and the bad motels
No one really cared for it at all
Not the gravity plan.
Early early in the morning it pulls all on down my sore feet
I wanna go back to sleep.
In the motions and the things that you say.
It all will fall, fall right into place
As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall, right into place
When we die, some sink and some lay
But at least I don't see you float away
And all the spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place.

-- Too much Modest Mouse for me

The NAIRU and Goodbyes

Last night was our first real goodbye, made strange by the fact that it was also the first time we had all been together in more than a month. I wondered why we had drifted apart, and why she had spent her last evening with us, and I was so glad that she did. We wandered down to catch her a cab, as if nothing was out of the ordinary, and hugged. How strange it all felt. She doesn't like goodbyes.

The NAIRU came out. For those of you unfamiliar with the NAIRU, he is a toilet-paper roll man that Numoy and I created in second-year after a particularly fruitless study session for macro. Needless to say, he has been around a lot since. He has been to Waterloo and Toronto. He has been dropped it pitchers of beer and kissed by multiple women. I tucked him away at the end of the night, to be crushed in my bag with my stolen Bifteck glass. He's had a good run.

Now its all snowballing on me. Speaking with him as I was leaving Rez last night, my subtle envy at his three years to come, his disbelief that I was graduating already. Our agreement that something strange happens to time when you are here, as so much changes so fast.

Slow change as well. Sometime during my night at BDP I was accosted by an old 'ex', one who has spent the last three years setting up an awkward arrangement between us. His actions placed us squarely in 'uncomfortable acquaintances' and I went along, trying not to be hurt as he avoided my eyes at bars and gave up on small talk after 'how's it going'. Suddenly we are talking. Sure there was intoxication involved, but we have been out together before. From zero to friends in less than sixty seconds. He wants to hang out. I asked if he really meant it, and he emphatically said yes. Stuck wondering how much of this was related to beer, I think I will get back in touch. I hate not being friends with him.

So the rain continues on and off, and I wish it would stop so I could wander around. I'll take advantage of this lull and race off into the afternoon.

Stopover to Europe

My last exams? Over. All the academics are behind me, and I can't seem to let them go.

This weekend I was a stopover to Europe. This weekend was all I had expected. I am tired, and I need a hug.

Spent an hour walking in the rain.

I had so many words but of course they have left me. I will miss Numoy.

This is the worst. break-up. ever.

I fear that in leaving I will lose her, and never find her again. She has made mistakes, but learned, she has grown. And all that she has become has made her so proud. Everything that she has seen has made her more aware of herself. She is afraid of being lost and never again being found.

Huzzah! Piercing!

So it was time. I had wanted my tragus pierced for months, and decided I'd reward myself for finishing university by having it done. I like my piercings to mean something.

I had two friends in town visiting me, neither of them comfortable with piercings, but I had to have it done and had my heart set on tonight. I insisted that they come with me after dinner.

We arrived at Slicks at 9:30, after a group had come in, and we were told we'd have to wait. No problem. I was very nervous. I don't have a lot of piercings by most standards, but have had enough to know what to expect. For some reason though, the tragus was something I was worried about. I had heard too many stories about how much it hurt. We sat on the couches and I flipped through tattoo designs.

There were three guys ahead of me, strange for that time of night. Two were getting frenums and the other his septum, and my company shuddered as I explained what each of those piercings entailed. I wondered how I'd managed to get the only friends I had who were completely afraid of it to come with me. Finally my time was up.

I explained to him why I was having it done, that I was really nervous about how much it would hurt, but refused to let my fear of the potential pain stop me from getting something I really wanted. He had me turn my head back and forth to see where the hole should be, and finally clamped my ear.

Now there are piercers who will count to three, and some who will ask you to breathe in and pierce as you breathe out. I really appreciated that he did none of these things, instead saying, "This will pinch" and going for it. I tend to express myself verbally, and being pierced is no different. There was more pressure than pain. It took longer than anything I've had done before, a full two seconds of needle through cartilage. I could hear it scraping through slowly. One-one thousand, two one-thousand. I shouted, "Holy hell! Fuck me." He was done and I opened my eyes to see the needle through my ear. I apologized for the language. My friends were engrossed in the designs, pointedly ignoring the needle and me.

The rest of it was standard, with a bit of pain as the ring went through. I could feel this strange pressure where I had the ring, very different from any of my other ear piercings. I loved it, it was beautiful. I told him how pretty it was, and he replied, "It’s meant to be."

I love it. And it didn't hurt nearly as much as I'd anticipated. Which just goes to show: don't ever let your fear of the pain stop you from getting something you will love.

Thoughts... brief thoughts...

"However, you could wish that the Pope, who is said to have a large well of empathy, could close his eyes for a moment and imagine that he was a woman. African. Sixteen years old. Poor. Married to an HIV-infected man." - From a BBC article

What are we to expect? One of the most powerful figures in the world. I am glad to not be Catholic, and fearful of a conservative bulwark such as this.

More concerning? The recent actions of our neighbor to the south. What is too much? There is no longer too much. Discrimination? The lines are becoming sickeningly blurred.

But wait, we might be next, with a non-confidence vote coming down the pipeline. Ladies, stock up on abortions while you can... okay so that's alarmist, but still. Lets all take a deep breath, and all you young'uns please vote if the opportunity arises.

Same old

Today is the same as yesterday, I can't get my head around notes because I'm so burnt out.

My three and a half hours of sleep bolstered by three cups of coffee and a fizzy tablet, I bent my history exam over the desk and wrote more than I ever have before. It was killer. Stumbled aimlessly home, barely able to see straight and packed up for my study time. A bottle of water and my tube of fun tabs, I was hitting the library for 12:30.

Two and a half hours of notes later, I had consumed two more tablets and felt wretched. I still do. My body is protesting, demanding sleep. I tell it to hold on.

Hopefully I'll get into a study session tonight, forcing myself to work with other people around is the only way things get done at this point. I don't want to go back to the library but think it might be the only way. Hopefully it will be an early night.

There used to be an annoying TV show called the land of the lost

Its kind of an insight into the downfall of mankind, if you will

The moral of the story is there is no moral

If you missed it today, you can always watch it tomorrow

I had a nightmare that Nietzsche was dressed up as a clown

I was just about to jump off a bridge, he said to me, "don't look down"

If it ain't here, it doesn't really matter where you go

The moral of the story is there is no moral

What I've been trying to say is what I've been saying all along

I had a dream there was a mermaid, swimming in my bathtub

She said, "life is like an airplane it'll crash before long"

So don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, it'll go away

Spotlights painted the building and the people gathered for the show

And the evening news people sat in their chairs, and waited for their makeup

And the police controlling the crowd on the street well, they didn't think to look up

And it suddenly seemed like the world had turned the other way

As if the sun had come out at night

Changing the darkness into day

Perhaps we are most peaceful when our sanity's on edge

Cause no one bothered to wonder who the guy was, standing on the ledge

Just don't look down, don't look down, don't look down

It'll go away.

Don't look down, don't look down.

Don't look down.

Just push.

-- Matthew Good Band, Push

I'm a dick, I'm addicted...

Okay so its a shite song but sortof gets to where I am mentally right now. Yesterday I put in a very concerted effort. A quick exam in the morning followed by a nice nap and shower, I hit the books around one and came home from the library at eight or so. My breaks were only those necessary to walk from point A (tree on campus) to point B (computer lab) to point C (bookstore for a highlighter) to point D (running into the man) which was en route to point E (the hill in the sun where I could use my highlighter on my freshly printed notes) and finally to point F (floor two, next to Rajeev) where the library crazies set in. So when I realized that I was equating the formation of the Holy Alliance in 1815 to an episode of Futurama ("Its so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clam bake and eat him!") and giggling to myself, that maybe it was time to call it a night.

And a night it was, turned out that I'd just missed my man coming to sit with me and drink beer, which was probably for the best because I had to work, and as I pointed out later, have the rubberiest arms in the world. He did drop by around nine for a visit and some tea, and headed off to the library to work. I told him I'd be up late and to drop by when he was done... my phone rang at eleven thirty, and I laughed at his inability to work for any longer than me. I was halfway through unification of Italy, and despite my excitement, I gladly gave it up.

My problem today is that I seem to have developed a severe addiction to those visits, not to mention a severe inability to coax my academic self down from the ledge. "Just wait, we're so close!" I cry, but she doesn't listen, and I am terrified she'll jump before I get through Thursday. So I packed a box and lazily read over my notes. Its forty five minutes to my next exam, I should be panicked but of course I'm writing instead. Tonight, Ian and I are pulling a joint all-nighter as we each have exams tomorrow at nine. We have a date after our exam tonight (same class) to stock up on Guru, and I've promised him some of my Berocca tablets to fizz him along.

Forty-eight hours from right now I will be done. I just have to stop myself from jumping.

Sunshine

Spent four hours in the sun today, sitting at a cafe and in the park, reading, reviewing. Its beautiful out. That's been it, trying to catch some sunshine while I prepare for my last exams.

My favourite hours are those I spend with friends, cherished now because I am leaving so soon. On Friday my wretched, angry mood disappeared as I sat with coworkers over beer, wondering when the next time I'd see them would be... wondering if there would be a next time and not sure how to say goodbye as the evening came to an end. I wandered back towards home, dropped in at Curly's house to chat. What was meant to be an early evening ended up lasting until 2:30, and of course I regretted it the next day, but wouldn't have traded it for the world.

I have made an absolute killing with my note endeavor, and plan to spend Friday taking myself shopping after I recover from Thursday evening. I can't believe that I am going to be finished so soon. It makes studying all the more frustrating.

Speaking of, I will get back to it. I don't know that I'll be posting for the next four days, but as of Thursday at 5pm I'm a free woman.

Hello, McGill Nightline

There's something about a good day turning into a bad day that makes it all so much worse. Wednesday started of great, and continued that way through my last class, my last paper and a celebratory beer from Jo. I skipped down the street to work on my project and ran into a hug, one that I'd needed desperately the night before. He put his hand over the back of my head and I collapsed into him. I was golden.

Then disaster struck... my wallet taken from my bag as I turned my back for a split second. Who does this? What kind of jackass?! Unbelievable. I had more money in there than I usually carry, having just been paid money from two separate people. So, frantic, when I discovered it was gone, I fled home to cancel my cards and regroup my life. During exams! It was terrible. The porter was rude to me, the woman at security so kind that I almost broke into tears. I hold my exam stress well enough, but this time it has been different, and on top of it all, to have my great day turn so fundamentally bad was too much. I went home, on the phone, canceling and calling. Some knock at my door and its my assignee wanting to show the place. I was meant to be at the library, and had to get there. I talked him down to seven. I couldn't stand still.

One bomb after another as my personal life fell into shambles around me. All I wanted was that hug from the morning, that hand on the back of my head. That comfort. And I couldn't take it, he had an exam in the morning. I booked one for the following evening.

Ultimately it worked out. Thursday was good. The thief turned my (empty) wallet in, and I recovered my cards (except my Visa, which was cancelled) and my identity. I made upwards of $450 selling my notes, thus compensating me for the $75 stolen and $30 I lost not going to work. The only loss was academic, the schoolwork that hadn't been done. But that doesn't matter, since my GPA is static from here and I have an unconditional admission. I also worked my last shift as a McGill Nightline volunteer, something that I have been doing since first year. It is strange to think that its ended, something I found so rewarding. I met so many amazing people doing it, and so many that I wish I'd known better. It was such a small, insignificant part of my university career, those hours spent answering phones, and yet so central to who I was, who I am. I will miss it.

And now? Now I have a weekend of work ahead and a countdown to the end. Six days until I'm officially done, a new piercing to be had and a new chapter to begin. I'm terrified.

Tomorrow I'll update on the happenings of the past day or so, but for now I just have one late night comment:

I will never pick up the phone and say "Hello, McGill Nightline" again. And that is sad.

Today I'm feeling hopeful

I slept an hour longer than I wanted, but feel more rested than I have in weeks. Am ready for a long day and a longer evening at the library. I'm also feeling happy. And as much as I hate to peg my happiness on the actions of those around me, there are three things that happened in the past two hours to make me happy.

1. The second I logged on this morning I got a message from the man. Now okay, this is a small thing, but its nice to know that he saw my name pop up and wanted to chat. He's always so sweet, asking about my life and genuinely interested in what is going on. Although I won't be able to go out for any quality time until after my week-from-hell, I am thinking that a certain superhero will be making some house calls this weekend.
2. Jess called. It may be late in the game, but she's really come around. I miss her and its hard, but I hope that we get a few good 'last bashes' in before I leave for good. I know she'll be here if I ever pass through town.
3. Got an email from The Nunnery implying that my housing situation isn't quite as dire as I had expected, and although nothing is decided for sure, it looks better than I'd thought. Its nice to have that off my mind for now, because I have to focus on work.

So off I go, another day, like any other. My last day. Four years of classes, of schedules and running late. Four years slowly winding down to an end. For no reason, as I was standing in my kitchen eating cereal, Tuesday's Dead popped in to my mind. I sat down to turn it on.

Now every second on the nose, the humdrum of the city grows

Reaching out beyond the throes of our time.

We must try to shake it down. Do our best to break the ground.

Try to turn the world around one more time.

Yeah, we must try to shake it down, do our best to break the ground

Try to turn the world around one more time.

So at this point, I think its right to say, to everyone who is almost finished out there and facing their next turn in life: Good luck. Don't underestimate yourself, and never sell yourself short.

Too tired to sleep

What have I done for the past two days? They disappeared.

I am exhausted right now, but my mind is running... the rat in your brain... turns a wheel, connected to your guts and all your faults are in me, and all your faults in me.

I know that if I lay down I wouldn't sleep, I would just turn over and over again until exhaustion overwhelmed me. Monday night grew into an epic, falling into bed at 1:30 when I wanted to be home by midnight. Worked this morning... was that this morning? It feels so much further away than a mere twelve hours. Amazing. Worked. The man came by, even though he wasn't working. He made sure to say goodbye. I was so tired though, so tired. Worked on school. I forgot that I wasn't going home today, and my stomach slowly digested itself until I snagged some bread at 5:30. I was in the library and saw Roomie, he looked very clean cut for exams. I know that I look like ass. I need a shower.

Tonight was spent on an assignment, which took too long for what it was worth, and is still not finished. That is for tomorrow afternoon when I have time before work. Between my last class ever at McGill and work. Last Class. It should feel more momentous, less onerous. Less like pulling teeth. My last class today was pain, but mostly because I was so hungry.

I really would like to see the man right now, I could use a hug, and some stress relief. Mostly the hug. For now, I think I will try for bed, hopefully I am tired enough to sleep.

As the day wears on

As the day drags, I become less productive. It seems that I can't keep up the pace, or whatever I have been doing. It seems that I have to find some way to overcome this exhaustion. I packed another box today. I also started transferring old email into my new gmail account, which I'll open up for business once I am out of this place. Going through all the mail from the past four years has been really weird, and my mind is no longer focused on Hitler and the rise of European fascism.

Soon it will be time to sleep.

The Weather

Has anyone looked outside? Oh the pain! Chained to my computer while the sun shines outside, its meant to hit 15 degrees this week, and I will be here. The least I can do is stay home to work, where there is a window to stare out of. I'll definitely have to take a walk-break this afternoon sometime.

I didn't get as much done yesterday as I'd hoped. But I did get a three-hour visit from a superhero to take my mind off things... too bad I will never know his real name. Hopefully today it will be my turn to use my powers for the good and righteous, but until then its typity typity.

Procrastination Post

I have been doing pretty well. Apart from yesterday being a total write-off because of my hangover, I did well considering. Had two short, unplanned naps and ended up at the computer lab until one or so. It was very warm. I got tired and went home with Numoy, but couldn't sleep. So it was another late night and later morning. Tonight will hopefully be different.

Currently I'm on hour five of a note-a-thon. March 9th to be exact. My goal is to have everything up to Friday complete for this class by tonight, then I am allowed to stop for the remaining hours before bed. I'm hoping that the man will have a gap in his schedule so that if I manage to get finished we can hang out. Its not looking too likely though... I'm losing momentum.

Sucking back a strong cup of coffee, I'm browsing next year and struggling to accept that in twelve days this is all over. Its hard enough to focus on these things overall, but knowing that soon, so soon, none of it will matter? Someone hand me a towel.

Cafe Campus

I didn't fall out of the shower, but it was a close thing. I woke up at ten, very confused. Very naked. My clothing strewn around the room. My computer on, msn beeping. How did I sleep through that, I wondered, my speakers were very loud. I threw my mind back to last night. Counted... counted... one, two, three at the meeting, one at the bar, six at the club. Six?! Wait a minute... jesus. Jesus H. Fucking Christ. How am I not dead in a gutter. How am I whole? Must have been the pizza. Mmmm pizza.

If the goal last night was to get utterly smashed and not remember my walk home, then I accomplished my goal. If the goal was to do things I wouldn't ordinarily do, then I accomplished that goal as well. If my goal was to pass out naked with Futurama playing in the background, well damned if I didn't accomplish that one as well. It was a great night.

I am going to miss Ian. Only in Montreal can you have a conversation about social rights, health care and the guy you boned before easter at a dirty club, drinking $2 beers and dancing dirty with your gay boyfriend. Life is amazing.

I lied

So I lied. There was no early night for me. Oh I got home early, rolled back around eleven and was about to go to bed, I promise, swear, hand to god, I was. But... instead I invited the boy over for a while. Which turned into a longer while. Which became me collapsing into bed, to sleep, at two a.m. Do I deserve some sort of medal for this? Indeed I did do a favour for a coworker and take a shift this morning, so it was up bright and early for me, the damn seagulls woke me at seven. I just spent an hour and a half trying to nap, but sleep evaded me. And I'm being a trooper and going to class, because one has to do those things for the last few classes of her undergraduate career. If I fall asleep on my desk its not my fault.

Sad Eyes

I was going to write this post Monday night, but my power went out. I was going to write it on Tuesday night, but ended up at the boy's house followed by beer pong followed by passing out at 3:30 am. So here I am.

Monday I went for a long walk in the dark. The tide of winter is pulling away, but the wind was cold. I was cold. I brought my camera, ostensibly to see the cross lit purple, and to capture the city. I wandered past the gym, past the stadium, up to the monument at the base of the mountain. Floodlights set my shadow dancing behind me. I was feeling melancholy. My first glimpse of the purple lights brought tears to my eyes. Not for death, but for change. I sat on the stones and watched a solitary figure wander through the lions, in and out of light. He looked familiar, a ghost of the past brought to life before my eyes, and I stood to follow him. Pulled through the city, I wandered the park for an hour until my hands grew too cold to grip my camera. I retreated. Winter's grip still held fast to the night.

It brought so many thoughts to mind, and here I am helpless to rekindle any of them. Thoughts of my impending departure, thoughts of life, of change. This time it is real, and I cannot ignore the facts laid out before me. Life is change. My memory walks with me here, whenever I take to the streets. Familiar faces and locations, twisted by images in my mind.

Yesterday swelled with spring, rivers of mud caked on the streets. I had slept fitfully, stumbled home to find my path had become clear. I mailed my acceptance, I mailed my life. I am going, officially now there is no turning back, my name on that piece of paper. I visited my lover, and through the hours we spent I knew it was fleeting. I smiled, because it comes so easily when there is no pressure, no concern that one might fall. I smiled because he is lovely, and kind, and makes me happy, and that perhaps if there had been time it would have worked out. If I could only distill this effortless affair and sprinkle it liberally on my future life.

The evening fell away as I arrived to a crowded bar, more crowded than I've ever seen it before. Not to beat around the bush, it ended as most of my nights there do: chatting drunkenly to Mike after several successful rounds of beer pong. I told him I would miss him, and I will. I also reserved his couch for next St. Patrick's Day: Mike is going to be in Dublin. I passed out, certain that things would be wonderful the next day.

Spring burst, exploded throughout the city and covered everything in sunshine. Our field work commenced and we happily took to the rocks, quickly working through and spending half an hour lazing in the sun. So warm! And now? Now I am taking to the warm night once more, to eat, drink and be merry, an early night for me. If I have to leave, I am going out in style.

Another night

This weekend drifts through to another night, and my notes are staring at me, mostly unread. I'm through three weeks worth of history classes and gave up when my notes ceased making sense. Daylight savings stole my Sunday from me, or rather, me forgetting about daylight savings did. We stayed in bed well into the afternoon, fooled by an unchanged clock, until I managed to pull myself out and down to the grocery store. Coming home, I stared in shock: 3pm... my god, where does the time go?!

Movie Review Time!

Went with the man to see Sin City last night. Now I had my doubts, because I know how easily disturbed I am, and given how I feel about gratuitously violent movies, this could have been a giant disaster. Not so my friends, not so. First of all, as I pointed out to Noel, go in expecting your expectation of how violent it is to be brutally castrated. Its violent. But not gratuitous. The violence just happens as a matter of course, its part of the style, and after the first few scenes it all just sortof comes together. Plus the black and white helps. The acting is really good. Take into account that apparently they all acted out in front of green screens and the background was all put in afterwards. Talent my friends, talent. I'm not a pro movie-goer, and I'm sure my movie going audience will have a thing or two to say. I just have a soft spot for Clive Owen. The cast is truely well suited to their roles, especially the ever-intense Del Toro. We love him. Alexis Bledel, fresh out of her Gilmore Girl duds and thrust into a very different role as a gun-toting prostitute, doesn't quite manage to shake her innocence. If I weren't hearing Rory Gilmore every time she opened her mouth, the innocence would have been just the right amount to fill the role.

Overall? Much enjoyed. So well done that I can't find fault in it. Yes I had to close my eyes at points, but it was well worth it. Three intertwining storylines that are utterly captivating, at no point did I wonder when things were ending. Go see it, you'll either love it or hate it.

Raining, beautiful

Time is drifting more, sleep falls into waking, my muscles protest. Rain. The streets washed clean of garbage, washed from winter and into spring. I grew up a little more this afternoon.

And the news from day to day remains less interesting, and I no longer know who reads these words. Thursday night was a blissful catastrophe. Awkwardness prompted me to drink, the intricacies of relationships that I am mercifully lacking thrust into my face. I searched the bottom of a pint glass for words. I can't believe that its only been six months since they met, it feels like an eternity ago that I was playing pool with Roomie and she was flying solo.

Speaking of solo, Numoy continues to deal with her inconsiderate and uncompromising 'pseudo boyfriend', who says incomprehensibly rude things and then apologizes within the hour. Whatever I've managed to pull out of my ass here in terms of relationships seems to be working, as I stopped by my lover's house to borrow movies and drop off a memo about International Blow-Job week. It struck me at that point that I did indeed, for the first time, have a lover. Its a funny word and not often used, but fits this situation to a 't'. It felt great, knowing that I had a low maintenance but reliable man. Reliable! Hell, I can't remember the last time someone was this reliable. Its purely incredible and good to be reminded that there are still amazing guys out there.

As for right now, I have a rendezvouz this evening and must go put my face on... and by face I mean shirt.

Intellectually stimulating

I'm trying to muster the energy to keep up with Jewels tonight. We are meant to go get a drink (or seven). She's a bit over the top, and tells me that she is already drinking with someone from class. I enjoy her company but she is impossible to control, so I need to have the energy to let it go. I'd rather curl up with a certain someone, but since I spent all Tuesday night in that position, not to mention last night being a total bum, I should get out and shake things up a bit.

Got up early to spend a frustrating length of time and energy calling the UK this morning, without any success, and that lack of sleep has caught up to me. Did some mediocre review and started panicking about the amount I have to get through and the rapidly approaching exam period. The high point of my day was tea with Curly, which we spent deep in discussion of ethics, environment, drug abuse, social ills, and North American cultural stupidity. I feel like I learned something, even if that something is nothing in particular. There's nothing like a good intellectual debate to remind me why I am at McGill.

With my exams and the end of my time here rushing towards me, I'm torn between wandering the city I love and reviewing everything I've learned. The amazing spring weather is not helping matters. Nostalgia has become a daily occurrence here, and I drift in and out of the past like a patchy fog. Today I stared out the window and felt so far away, already wending my way across the skies. Now I'm overcome with longing for time, another day, another week, a few more months of this before its gone for good.

I've been listening to Matthew Good and thinking about time. Yesterday I talked to an old friend, and an old crush, about life and leaving. We are getting drinks next week, after that I will probably never see him again. We talked about change, about the future. I commented that it was crazy how life just comes together. He replied. "Is it really together? Or do we just get used to it being apart?"

we go out and we pass out in our clothes again

giving it and losing it for the time of our lives

I'm giving it and losing it for the time of my life

you're giving it and losing it for the time of your life