Its back, with a vengeance...

Oh yeah, its back. I thought I was doing okay, that everything was going well and that I was managing somehow to keep myself from losing my 'new self' and regressing to the way things used to be. Boy was I wrong.

Suddenly it fell upon me, the sensation of being slowly squeezed in a vice. Feeling like I can't breathe, can't have some space to myself, can't get out of being constantly prejudged, expected and scorned. The sense of not being liked, constantly being looked upon in a negative light. It is so tiring. Already I am counting days, weeks, hours almost until I can have a break. And the guilt! The constant sense of guilt and self-loathing. No wonder I was a headcase when I was younger! But even knowing now what is going on doesn't give me the power to stop it, I still cannot control these changes.

And all belief that I could somehow manage to go back later on, that this wasn't the last time, that belief is gone. The brightness of who I used to be is fading frighteningly fast. I need to call JJK, call Numoy, call Julia and Curly to remind me... but none of them are at my fingertips, they are countries, continents, worlds away. They are gone for all intents and purposes, are no longer in my life.

So what can I do? Now that I am older and pray to god wiser? I count to ten and exhale and hope that I don't break, that I can maintain this for a little while longer, and still hang onto myself.