So much left to say

Last night we talked for hours, despite the fact that we had already talked for hours. Instead of getting better it just gets harder. I hear his voice and my chest tightens. His words on the screen, the excitement, the longing. What did we have? He is more reluctant than me, and we both know it is fruitless pain. He says he thinks the world of me, that I left such an impression on him, and all I can think is that I want more time. I wanted more time.

And who knows whether it would have been right if I had stayed. Surely, surely if things are meant to be then they will be. But I miss him, and I can feel him within me, and I can't believe how such a short time has turned into this. I scare myself.

I wonder if I should book a flight to go, if that would make things worse or better. But I know I want to see Curly, and Helen, and Jess and maybe others who might be back in town. So shouldn't I go? Shouldn't that make it worth it? For my birthday? Would I just be upset, broken again by having to leave? I want to go back so badly, but perhaps it is best to leave this in the past where it belongs. So maybe I will wait another few days, a week. This decision will be made eventually. I could go to Quebec for a few days, visit my friends there. Maybe stop over in Winnipeg... cross-country tour before I leave for a year. Do I want to turn twenty-two there? Do I want to see him ever again?