My Very Own Office Space...

I am on day two of a temp job... the standard desk monkey. Just had a very 'Office Space' moment. The printer stopped after printing page one of a document. I looked at it. The little screen blinked, 'LOAD LETTER', and I knowingly complied. Slid the tray back in, waited. Waited. Waited. No printing noises. Looked again at the little screen. Blinking, there, my very own printer-based insanity right out of the movies, 'PC LOAD LETTER'. I was baffled. Confounded. 'I just loaded letter,' I thought, 'so what did it want? What in the hell does PC LOAD LETTER mean?!' It was so funny I almost laughed aloud. But then I got to thinking. Maybe both trays contain letter? Maybe one being legal just didn't happen anymore, and truthfully, legal paper is annoying and silly and I wish it would vanish back into the depths of hell from whence it came. So I checked the other tray. Letter. Loaded letter. Slid the tray back in. Huzzah! The little printer sprang to life, lovingly printing my document with its little whirs and clicks. God bless you little printer.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, that movie is funny because its true, and anyone who has worked in an office has to agree.

Oh, AND my coworker has a bright red Swingline stapler. She bought it because everyone kept stealing her staplers, and now she will know because hers is the only red one. Perfection.

Rock Bottom

Okay, so I haven't posted in three days and didn't even notice. Usually after three days of not posting I am bursting to get things out. Nothing has happened, so I apologize for the boring report, at this point I am doing it because I feel like I have to, consistency and all, you know.

French camp having been over for five days, I miss people, and wonder about getting in touch with those who are still in town. Then again, they have not been in touch with me. Ran into Louie today downtown while passing by his place of work at a convenient time, and had a good chat, inviting him out on Friday with us. Us being me and whomever Luc has lined up. I am looking forward to that, it will be very nice to see them again.

Not much else to report, got a day of work yesterday and have another tomorrow, which is really nice. My laceraction is only locally infected (cheers) and hopefully won't get worse before it gets better. Nobody likes being on heavy antibiotics.

Hit rock bottom with my weight when I put on my work pants on Tuesday and realized that the pants that were falling off (literally) two years ago, and fairly loose last summer, are tight to be uncomfortable and too short. Ridic! So of course, I went for a run. This is now something I should try to keep up no? So tomorrow, I will run again. It just gets so repetitive and boring, but I hate/loathe the gym, so running outside it must be. Just got to avoid concrete, its bad for the knees.

God, how pathetic, I am reduced to talking about knees. I gotta go.

Sprung from prison

My first weekend out of French Fascist Prison (quickly renamed as 'French Camp') was uneventful. Uneventful enough that this post will have little to do with anything. At all.

Friday I had a shit night, which left me as either used or stupid (most likely both). I appreciate Tall Eric the most, who caught me coming down the stairs, took my bare bones explanation, and gave me a great hug. "You don't deserve that." It really helped.

Saturday... I wrestled with computers, generally was a bum and nothing memorable of note happened. Today was similar, with more success and an afternoon date with Alicia to commercial, tres bon.

I have no thoughts right now, I have little to say. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come. Tomorrow I should start trying to have a life.

Stupid

How can I say how stupid I am, how naive, how ignorant and silly? I cannot. Needless to say, I should have known better. Oh god I am bitter now, I am one of them. I am so angry and jaded and have lost my faith. I cry for that.

Sheets to the wind

Its amazing the difference a bed sheet makes. Last night I felt melancholy, unable to shake the strangeness that had come over me the previous evening. I smiled through dinner, wondering what the point was, and left early to have another beer and try to shake myself out of things. Didn't work. Put pants on and went down to find my friends. Was accosted by my forgotten promise, to dress up in a bed sheet and wear ivy in my hair. Sweet.

So dress up we did, the three of us, those ladies are amazing. Ivy crowns in our hair, we swept into the pub, all smiles. Amazing how much my mood improved just because I was wearing a silly costume! But we had photos and we drank and we danced. I had an amazing time.

So then something strange happened. Somehow, somehow he saw me and decided that it was it. Made me promise to dance. He was on our list, and I was drunk. Some tequila later... the dance was less of a dance than a rotating kiss. Strange. So strange. So we went outside, because I can't bear to kiss in public, and he thought I was shy. I didn't try to dissuade him, having had a pertinent conversation with James earlier in the evening. Twenty seconds of sitting on concrete and a female whirlwind accosted us. My french comprehension dulled by alcohol, I asked him what had transpired. "She likes me, don't worry about it, forget it" Before I could, another one emerged. This time, he aquiesced. I took myself inside, telling them I wasn't going to deal with it. Two minutes and they were gone. I wrote him off.

The story goes, after finding him later in the evening and sequestering ourselves in his room, was that things were more complicated than I cared to get in to (plus, the whole not understanding thing was getting silly) and although the evening stayed PG, it was very nice. Interrupted by half an hour of yelling and pounding on the door, me convinced that I should go out and tell her where to go, and just feeling badly for him and all the people on his floor who would know. As he said, wisely, the program ends tomorrow. He is right.

I had an excellent last night then, and tonight is a French celebration and we have Fin du Monde beer to celebrate with. As I told him this morning, you just have to teach your body some respect. My fingers are flying, but I should return home. My temporary home. I will miss this.

Skipping stones

I am going back to bed in a few minutes, exam over. Time here practically over. The Arcade Fire lull me into complacency.

No, I'm not angry. Internally I completed the thought, at you. I wasn't angry. I was angry at myself, but I knew better. Mais, quand je suis monte par l'escalier, les larmes ont commance. Pourquoi? I don't even know. I really didn't. But suddenly I had broken. For good? That is something that time will tell. Frankly, oh god so frankly I am glad. I have been waiting. I hope that this is it.

I deeply believe that he cursed me that January day. Since then, I have been flailing, faltering, drowning in something I cannot even begin to explain. Something I cannot begin to escape. I have stopped hoping, started coping. Coping badly might I add.

My shoes let the water in and smell like a swamp. I have searched for new ones without any luck.

My thoughts are disjointed and skip across the surface of my mind. Stones. Stones that eventually lose their purchase on its sticky skin and catch an edge, breaking downwards. They plunge wrecklessly into its depths, tumbling and flipping through the liquid mass. As the light grows dimmer, fruitlessly shining through layers of memories and days of neuroses, they lose their shape, their coherence. Finally they reach the murky bottom. Settle silently in the mud. subsumed by years of knowledge that has never proved its worth. Is this poetry? I can see them in my mind's eye. Skipping stones.

Ain't missing you at all...

Now who can identify the sweet 80s song that I've picked as my anthem du jour? Bonus points if you get it right. Its pertinent for a whole slew of reasons (and isn't that what makes an anthem mine?) and I will slowly and painfully explain them, yes indeed, after going through the bare bones account of the past few days. Its been a long time I know.

Thursday night we hit a movie, none of us being in the mood for more poison. We saw Crash, which was excellent, and ran through coffee en route home. A nice girls night out. Friday night was eventful enough. As is quickly becoming my norm, we schlepped downtown towards the Cambie, hit another pub for a pint because the line was obscene, then made friends with the bouncer (props Alicia) to get in past the slightly less obscene line that remained. Had a few drinks but nothing ridiculous, which was nice for a change. Got hair molested which was suprisingly invasive. As tends to happen out there, got split from my companions and we all entered our own little worlds. Lost track of them after a while, but you can't be too attached at the Cambie, you need to know that the people you're with can take care of themselves if need be. Its part of the allure of the place. So I fell in with some Brits from a certain Scottish university that I'd visited last summer, almost a year ago to date actually. And it came that I was talking to a man I found quite adorable, and frankly the accent killed me, and hilarious to boot. And yes I stole a kiss, but returned it and then some. It was a nice night.

Saturday. Saturday we trekked and beat our bodies into submission, as my more than should be hungover self was awoken at 10:30 by knocking. "This had better be good" I growled. It was Petey, and a short time later three ladies were off in search of grease. We found it. Five coffees, half a bottle of syrup and three huge breakfasts later we were done. DONE. I don't think I have ever eaten so much in one sitting before. Unbelievable. We wandered around fourth, I waited for my phone to ring, and ultimately came down to French Fest. Which was a good time. Snuck in little micks and mixed under our chairs. Apart from some random unpleasantness later on in the evening, Alicia and I managed to stage a repeat of our Friday. Well. Almost. Except not nearly as successful. Ran into some awkwardness until I fell in with my chat of the night. She trusted hers but probably shouldn't have. I took an early leave with John and returned home after perhaps one beer too many.

Yesterday we walked the city, it was sunny for the first time in weeks. Breakfast, beach, dinner out, it was a lovely day. Today seems even better weather-wise, but my still-silent phone is getting wearing. Yes I know, I do it to myself. Indeed having reflected on the course of the evening I decided that I have nobody to blame but myself and hopefully I will learn next time. Dammit.

So I am about to lose a very good friend for a very long time, so I'm heading outside to call and beg for some time before she leaves. I don't deserve it, having been far too wrapped up in this whole French camp thing. Damn camp. Well, only a few more days to go and as yet is dry as the Sahara desert. That and the fact that I will miss the good times... well I'll miss it. In response to the question of "will you come home early" I gave a resounding "no." I like these people.

As for the name? Well, I get no mails, I get no love. And I tell myself the same thing that he does. Amazing really?

Today is Thursday

I just have to remember that. I think I stupidized myself yesterday. Tuesday night I was going to get my work done. I wasn't going to drink. Neither of these things happened. I blame Petra, and cheap beer. I also succeeded in making an ass of myself (what's new) but things seemed to have blown over pretty well and I'm looking forward to more ass-making in the future.

Today I feel like wretched ass. Wretched horrible stupid ass. Last night I had an adventure, it turned out well. Fun adventures are fun. I am not particularly articulate right now (and just remembered I promised JJK an email) so I will have to give the bare bones. Went downtown with Katie to rencontrer un homme. We entered to the strains of heavy music, but good heavy, and he wasn't wearing a shirt. I turned to Katie. "I gotta say, I'm a little turned on right now". There is nothing like a hot guy without a shirt, playing guitar. As Dave would say, "so hot" in his high voice.

Met his bandmate en route to my second pint (note to self, buying beer as an excuse to check out a guy and get his attention, good. Getting loaded as a result, bad). We did the mutual introductions, and I mentioned that I had been invited by his friend and that if he could point him in the right direction it would be much appreciated. Point he did indeed. So we chatted, chatted, I got some sweet swag and gave him my phone number. Declined his invite to a party (French camp is too demanding) but he said he would call. Smoked a joint. That was my first mistake in what was almost a flawless evening for me. God forbid that I should get through an evening without doing somehting stupid. Well. I got so fucked up that I don't remember much of getting home, I am lucky to not be dead in a ditch somewhere.

Post Scripts:
More will probably be forthcoming when I feel better and have more time
MAD props to Katie for her wingman performance, I owe her bigtime
They cut my hair, I don't know if I like it yet, well, I like it, but I like it straightened and done nicely, its yet to be determined if I can pull that off myself.

Figure that calling Katie to say thanks and let her know I'm alive is in order, JJK will have to wait!

Jump a little lighter

So I have a new favourite song, which I'm trying to get memorized so I can sing it whenever its stuck in my head, but its all over the place drums and guitar and horn and I can't get the damn thing down. Anyways, that's what's playing right now as I write this.

So I am thinking I kinda like this single life. 200% French just kills me, I almost fell over today when we were walking because I was caught in his eyes. Oh GOD his eyes. And you know? Talking with him I was thinking how maybe he isn't quite as silly and shallow as I'd pegged him. Doesn't mean I want to talk to him any more than I used to... I mean, I only want him for one thing. He fell in next to me as we were walking and started talking, showed me something very cool that made me giggle in that very special 'life is neat and I'm happy' way, so I thanked him for giving me a little moment of pleasure (and mentally crossed my fingers for some extended pleasure later on). We talked all the way home, he making cute jokes and appearing to have more substance than I gave him credit for, and me thinking that maybe he might like me a little bit. After his little wall performance yesterday I'm starting to see him as a 'five-year-old in the playground' kinda guy. I could gush about him forever... I don't remember the last time I crushed quite this hard, but its nice!

Last night we went swimming and I got up the guts (with some prodding) to do backflips off the diving boards, so now there's a new trick in my repetoire. Added to the list of 'fist in mouth' (performed for Ashley's camera yesterday at dinner) and 'tying cherry stems into knots in my mouth' (summer's coming...) is back 'flips' (translate, messy back layouts) at pools. Sweet.

Tonight I'm going home to get some serious work done, but after drinking before my last exam and not studying a bit I ended up with a solidly placed 86%, so I'm not too concerned. I will work for a couple solid hours, maybe sneak in some Star Trek and hopefully get myself back out here to catch the tail end of the insanity and some much-needed sleep. I plan on using my extra hour tomorrow afternoon for sleeping, as I have a big night tomorrow... two birthdays and my adventure! Sweet.

To new adventures... c'est bon

Salut from week four. Having managed to keep my drinking to a minimum last night, I'm feeling fairly chipper today, but still had a rotten time getting out of bed... my rez bed had never felt so comfortable. It brought back memories of my lovely soft mattress during my first year at McGill, and I was slightly saddened to find myself in Vancouver, at UBC and running 10 minutes late.

Speaking of running, my lazy weekend turned into a sleep-deprived mess as I returned to residence Saturday evening and found myself with an hour to get out the door. Sure I could have said no, but that would have meant a less fun evening. So out I went, to rendezvous with Ju and her boyfriend for drinks, followed by a quick traipse downtown to my recently discovered 'favourite'. Traipse traipse traipse. A pitcher and some indiscriminate flirting later (must learn to keep my tongue in my mouth, so to speak) we were accosted by a couple of interesting men who proceeded to occupy our attentions until we were ready to leave. As their friends came and went, I gazed forlornly at the rest of the bar, cut off from any potential new friends.

As the time wound around to leave, I wandered back to the scary bathrooms one more time (how I love those bathrooms, they remind me of the old scary bathrooms at the back of the Bifteck, before renovations made them smell like paint). Along my way, I noticed a fairly cute boy (now I use that word loosely, because I may have had some subtle beer goggles going on) with some nice piercings in his ear. Nice piercings, I thought. So while in the can I decided to go and say hello. But of course, knowing me, as you do, I couldn't just say hello. That would be too normal. So I walk up and touch his ear, tilting my head to see how his differed from mine (they are very close), and naturally he started, turned, who wouldn't be surprised to suddenly find a (cute) girl touching his face? And so, and so, we chatted and he extended his hand, introduced and came around to telling me (I'm still not sure what motivated this) that his band was playing next week somewhere and maybe I would come. Now I'm a skeptic, but I'm also up for adventures. Sure he could have just wanted to promote, but maybe he thought that I was kinda cute? Maybe he liked my ears? "I'll see you Wednesday," and he scoffed, disbelieving.

Made my way back to my companion, stuck (but seemed happy enough) between our companions of the evening. So I tapped her and motioned that I was ready to leave. As she led me through traffic, I looked up to find my new friend in my path. He had moved across the bar. And he hugged me. So that clinched it, if my eyes didn't deceive me and his music is good, I could have a crush on this boy. So this Wednesday I am off for an adventure! Sweet. I love adventures.

The rest of my weekend? Slept late yesterday and mosied downtown with Petey for a litte browse and errand-running. Got slightly drunk off Japanese beer over an early dinner and came back to drink a few more, have a 90s dance party and do crosswords. It was a nice low-key Sunday and I tumbled into bed in good time, but not before calling Katie to recount the tale of Saturday and invite her along: if adventures are fun, group adventures are supreme.

200% loaded

I am currently discussing my scariness and recently deviant social behaviour with a male friend who lives overseas. Its interesting to get his perspective.

As if my fantasy about 200% French wasn't justified enough, last night I had another surprise. Can't remember what (if anything) I have been calling him on this blog, so for now he will remain nameless as I'm too lazy to check it out. But regardless, here is the tale.

I hadn't expected to hear from him, given that my behaviour around him has been somewhat inappropriate and it had been almost two weeks since we'd last spoken. It had been almost a week since he was meant to call me. So I am on the bus, talking to Katie, when my phone beeps. She had just left me a message and I think, stupid phone, I know that is Katie's message. Get home, check message, its him. Hmmm. Almost irony or some sort of strange twist of fate that I had informed Julia not two hours earlier that I never expected to hear from him again. Anyways. I meet him and a friend for a drink, which turns into three, which turns into the end of my bottle of rye, which becomes more beer (thanks to a trip to the liquor store) which ends... well... in a PG rated evening. And me missing my outing, but it didn't matter because I was so loaded by that point. Note to self: don't drink with guys.

What else is new... since 200% French? Hmmm... I'm almost better, and there are only eight more days of class. Its going to be weird to leave the program, but I've had a fun run. As usual I have emails to write, songs to put on my mp3 player and things to catch up on, so I am going to sign off, finish my laundry, pack up and go meet Katie for coffee. For a rehash of both of our evenings. And maybe cute coffee guy, who has been upsettingly absent the past few times I've been down there. A bientot!

200% French

Oh deux cent pourcent francais, how I love thee. If nothing else he gives me eye candy and a little rush when our glances meet. At most I will get lucky. Here's to hoping. Yesterday we had a brief moment and I took the opportunity (and the fact that I was feeling cute) to give him a kiss on the cheek. Ah sweet randomness. I like that little thrill.

At this point there isn't much to report, its going to be a quiet weekend with most of the party people up in Whistler and me feeling slightly ill. We bailed on the bar last night but are sure to return there soon.

I'm at that point in the five week program where mentally I realize how fleeting it is but my body and emotional soul have adjusted to this as their 'normal'. This is a dangerous stage, and I'm glad I recognize it since I will be better able to shut it down. I am trying to remain hyper-aware that it is coming to an end very soon (two weeks!) and that frankly, that's a good thing. Like Montreal, one cannot live this lifestyle indefinately, even if the government is paying out for it.

Speaking of the government paying out, I have to mosey on down to the bank to cash my weekly monies. Ah monies. Mis-spelled loveliness in cheque form. How I love thee. Okay, I wish I could say it was the decongestants making me loopy but that would be a lie, I am loopy already. A bientot!

Rested, toasted, wet

So I spent two days sleeping and feel so much better. Its amazing how my body just crapped out and returned to me when I gave it what it wanted. Little does it know that last night was just the beginning. Ah so. I wasn't intending to get drunk, then was offered free wine and a beer and before I knew it I was launching myself, naked, off the 10 metre board. Yup. Outdoors. The water was steamy in the air, but none of us seemed to notice the cold. And we all rushed off twice then threw our clothes back on, wet, dripping down the fence and into the night. I don't know how it became 2am, but it did.

200% French is far too arrogant to hit on anymore, he knows he is attractive and so I just walk away when he starts to pull his arrogant bullshit. It seems to be pulling in my direction, but not fast enough for my liking. J'aime Jeff is really against all of it, and I do love and listen to J'aime Jeff... tonight we have a small dinner date with a few people and are going to continue onwards to the Cambie for a reunion. Test tomorrow? No problem. Nooooo problem. Cabin fever at the residences is far more severe, and so we must take care of it.

This weekend should be restful, I can finally get some errands done and deal with all the silly little things that seem to slip away when you are in residence and can't find the world outside. Must sign off because I have a random number on my phone that I want to investigate and my internet time is, as always, limited.

Sick

I woke up today and felt rotten for a whole slew of reasons, the strongest being the virus that has come to inhabit my body. Incubation over, it has exploded into my throat and my head with pain and scratchiness. I slept through the morning and decided at noon that I would sleep some more, and I have just pulled out of bed to venture out to get food and drugs. Mmmm.

Its a bummer because we had spearheaded a fete-du-vin tonight, not to mention the beer gardening that was to go on tomorrow and my Na'am-Cambie date on Thursday. Hopefully I will have recovered enough by then to party hardy. This weekend will be restful since my kabal is all heading up the Sea to Sky and I will be staying behind to recupe, so I can afford to kill myself Thursday.

Must go, silly comp only has a 10 minute usage window and I'm fearing a cutoff soon. Also, I am craving some tasty foods that lie at the end of my route.

A whole other weird can...

Last night was another gong show. This time around I was only partly involved. Asking for a kiss and hopping the fence into the Japanese gardens is not nearly as bad as stumbling down to the beach and swimming nude, molesting people and later falling into Jeff's closet in a gin-induced haze. This time around I was more babysitter than anything else. My most uttered phrase of the night was "Evan you are not helping" as I tried to convince drunky mcdrunk to stop drinking and go to bed.

And my melancholy continues to grow, just feeling so empty up there and empty down here and unappealing in general to everyone. Conversations I thought I wanted have turned out to be empty and tiring, small talk spent feeling lost and alone, grasping for something more solid out of nothing. Yet another time that I am too far out on a limb. It seems I spend my life that way. Today I stepped off the bus and raised my face into a branch, a face-full of wet leaves, and as the water dripped off my face and onto my neck I thought, "thanks world, that's a nice metaphor."

Time flies...

Time flies when you are having fun, it also flies when you are in class all the gd time. Man, I swear I haven't been in class this much since high school... and even then I think I skipped enough to make my days shorter than this.

Now, I realize I have been ambiguous lately, which is odd, because nobody here will read this. Its mostly because I have been forced to write when I am either on a computer that signs me off after ten minutes, or writing during a break when the line for computers is right behind me. Not conducive to honest expression even if they aren't looking at what I write. So here is is, because I have 15 minutes before class, the honest truth as to what has been going on.

I have learned a lot for a week, its been really nice. I have met some cool people but nobody yet that I believe I will stay in touch with after the program. At this point they are all my five week friends. That's fine. I'm also learning to detach myself from things and stop feeling like its so gd important to be close to people and have some degree of acceptance. Daniel has been very helpful in this regard. I gave him this address yesterday, so I know that he is out there. So I'd like to say a nice warm hello to him and a big thank you for all his intelligent conversation and insight. Its refreshing, much appreciated, and that is just the beginning. So I guess I will run down my peeps here, using initials, because I don't want to be that graphic.

J'aime Jeff. We've been nightswimming at the beach twice in a week, and he's nice and tall for cuddling. I adore his eagerness and his smile, he is always so thoughtful, a rare find. I am really looking forward to getting to know him better, and hopefully having a cooking party.

My Wednesday night kiss. He told us how he never had such intelligent conversations, and I can't help but attribute that to his academic background. I really want to have more conversations like that with him, because he has so much in him to explore. He is also someone I want to get to know better.

My elusive crush. Well, I am just so used to this sort of situation, and yes of course I create them myself. Its fine, I am still fairly twisted and it is probably better to not have someone to lean on right now anyways. He is just bloody awkward with me now, and I regret that, because he is interesting and intelligent and I want to know more.

Alicia is my favourite girl thus far, she's smart and honest and silly. I will miss her this weekend while she is in Victoria. We have already had good times.

The latest in a long line of friends to attain the title 'Drunky McDrunk'. He's so good to me, says such nice things. His 'come have a drink' pep talks are always spattered with compliments and his heart is good. He's also good fun.

Le 'bitch', and I use that term loosely, because I think she is fun and honest and I appreciate that in women. I hope she and I fall in together.

Fuck, ran out of time. Gotta go to class, finish later.

Sad chords

I've got this song in my mind, and it plays through when I am thinking about him. Right now, I don't have to imagine, because as soon as I started to type it began to play. Portable music is both a joy and an opportunity for masochism. I am not good with rejection.

I have been told many things about myself, from the banal to the intriguing. I have had my star chart read, and my soul examined. I was not surprised, but fascinated, as my personality was written by the alignment of planets and constellations. Perhaps that is enough of a guide for me. I have been told in the past day that I am intense, strange, lovely and elegant. That is off the top of my head. Meeting people reminds us of how much of ourselves we retain no matter how hard we may try to appear different. Me? I have stopped trying. The question "who are you" has become one I love to pull on people, to really ask who. We don't stop to think about who we really are, and when he asked me I shucked off my practiced response.

Who am I? Right now? This instant? I am someone who believes in the good in people. I am someone who is easily disappointed. I am someone who feels let down. I am someone who misses my friends who understand me, but wonder if we ever truly understand another person. I am someone who wants to be held, but only by someone stronger than me. He pointed out how difficult it would be for me to find someone who could do that. I felt flattered and strange, this man who hardly knows me and can still cut right to my core. Being here has perhaps made me a bit odd, a bit romantic, a bit of a dreamer and more than a little thoughtful. Language is fascinating. And alas, my time is ticking. I'm back off to class then.