One crazy life
Sheryl Crow's 'Strong Enough' will always remind me of Jonah. His admission to owning Women & Songs 2 and loving that song was made in jest, but now its embedded in my musical memory. And as it came to play at 1:15 on a Tuesday morning, after a day spent in ineffective recuperation and attempted schoolwork, I came to recall how we had met three years ago. Three years. Who am I to have come so far in so little time? These people who truly love me. I am always shocked. Why did I have to come so far to find kindred souls? People who live the way I always tried to, the way I am afraid I will lose when I leave here. These people are so unique, and how can I find them in another city, another world?
Yet I still can't be true to myself, I still can't sit still and breathe and know me. Or rather, the knowledge is still eclipsed by all the noise of the world embedded within me. I was making so much progress to be so shattered last winter, and frankly, for all that I have learned, I would erase all of it to start anew with someone else. I have become jaded and lost and bitter. I am insecure and neurotic. I have become a victim of adoration, craving and rejecting it as I claw back towards the knifepoint. I will make it home.
I am terrified of leaving this place, of losing my centre as I did once before. These people define me, this city by its wet streets and blowing winds. But it will be gone even if I stay. I am striving to accept its loss even now, while ignoring it. I go on to graduate school not because I wish to remain a student, but because this life brings out my best, and I love myself here in this breath.
If only now I could love myself when my phone ceases ringing, when my bed grows cold and my heart sits on the shelf. And this song has been sitting in my head these past empty nights.
Yet I still can't be true to myself, I still can't sit still and breathe and know me. Or rather, the knowledge is still eclipsed by all the noise of the world embedded within me. I was making so much progress to be so shattered last winter, and frankly, for all that I have learned, I would erase all of it to start anew with someone else. I have become jaded and lost and bitter. I am insecure and neurotic. I have become a victim of adoration, craving and rejecting it as I claw back towards the knifepoint. I will make it home.
I am terrified of leaving this place, of losing my centre as I did once before. These people define me, this city by its wet streets and blowing winds. But it will be gone even if I stay. I am striving to accept its loss even now, while ignoring it. I go on to graduate school not because I wish to remain a student, but because this life brings out my best, and I love myself here in this breath.
If only now I could love myself when my phone ceases ringing, when my bed grows cold and my heart sits on the shelf. And this song has been sitting in my head these past empty nights.
"Come to me now and lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two, and I know you're on to me
That I only come home, when I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
Open the door and show me your face tonight
I know it's true, no one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight, but your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe"
posted by Care @ 6:16 a.m.
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