Two nights

I have two nights left, the past two nights and days have been melancholy.

Thursday I briefly commented on my evening. As much as I would have liked to spend the night dancing drunkenly at Cafe Campus for the last time, I am happy to leave last Thursday as my last night there, and take this one for the team. I just know that I don't handle breakups well, and that is fair enough I suppose. He kept saying how my comments were fair, but I just felt awful for saying those things to him. I can't bear to say sharp things to people I care about, no matter how much I think he deserved it. I wish there were something I could do or say to make it all alright between us, and I hate how things are being left this way.

He won't come on Sunday for fear that my friends will hate him. I said to Numoy on the phone, what is it about my boyfriends/ex-boyfriends? Why do they always think this? Is it because they treat me like shit and I tell my friends?!

I can't shake this heavy, empty feeling inside of me. I wake up and can't fall back asleep, feeling so alone and wishing he were there next to me, some crutch to help me through. Any crutch will do.

Last night Leah came into town, for one last hurrah and a last goodbye. She left so early that I couldn't muster any emotion, and it is probably better this way. I am constantly on the verge of tears.

Took my walls down today, and my home is bare and cold. I folded up my blue sheet and thought about all the things it reminded me of. My life is in boxes and my memories are folded away. It will be so strange to unpack these things in Vancouver, in another life.

And now I must go, to take advantage of a crutch, thank god some are still willing to help me.