My Monday was made by my walk, as much as I wasted my time this past weekend. I ran into Joe, and its been so long since I've seen him, but he is one of those people who always brightens my day. He is one of those people I wish I knew better.

Starting tomorrow I'm ordering myself to start reviewing for finals.

But any news I have, and of course I have it, will have to wait. I'm in a rotten mood.

My break

Its been a while, a few days feels like much longer, and I intended to post a few times this weekend and never got around to it. Can't really pinpoint why, since most of my time has been spent on trivial pursuits.

The weather has been incredible, and I spent hours walking around. Nostalgia has hit me particularly hard and so I've been walking a fine line between waxing poetic about life and curling up in a little ball whispering "this is not happening". Its not that bad, I'm taking a smidge of artistic license here. But every time I realize how quickly the days are passing, I can't help but think, "I'm not ready".

But there's nothing here, nothing new, life just keeps rolling along as it has for the past few months, even the past few years. Curly and I discovered a new bar last night, and I sat there wondering what I would do without him, and all of the people that I have come to depend upon for so much. Visiting Krista in rez, I wondered what would happen when she wasn't there anymore, up the hill, whenever I felt like pestering her. And all of a sudden, just when everything is settled, I have to jump up and leave it.

He pointed out that maybe it is better that I'm leaving on a high note, that it is better to disappear when everything is positive in my memory. True enough, but I don't feel done here quite yet. Hopefully, come May, I will.

These dreams go on when I close my eyes

I woke up this morning from the strangest set of dreams. And of course I had hit the snooze button five times just to see where they were going, but each time I fell back into sleep they would change a little. The reason I was so intent on keeping them is because they were sex dreams. The elusive sex dream, I usually get into sex dreams after its been a while and my subconscious starts acting out my desired reality. This set was weird then for a few reasons: the continuation of the dream after I woke up and went back to sleep, the fact that I am not craving sex much right now, and the set of characters that were involved.

Usually the characters are strangers, but in this case they weren't. All of them, including the non-sex people, were friends. Strangely, the people I was sleeping with in the dreams were my exes. So strange. I won't get into dream interpretation, but its odd to have a bunch of exes paraded in front of my sleeping eyes. I'm a little thrown. Not to mention the fact that ultimately, in the dreams, not one of them could give me what I wanted. That's not a dirty 'what I wanted', there was a complex plot line happening as well as an X-rated theme.

I would continue this line of thinking, but I have to finish my damn lectures for my GD midterm tonight... and I have no food in my house at all, which means a mandatory grocery store trip after the midterm so I don't starve. My body needs nutrients.

Spring has sprung

Its definitely spring. I love McGill and Montreal in the springtime: everyone so happy that winter is over that they break out their spring clothes, even though its still below zero (only just!). Sandals and skirts, sitting on the wall that runs by the library, the arts steps, and people all seem to be smiling.

Yesterday I sprang out of the door at four thirty and danced my way to school, handed in my last McGill paper EVER and practically skipped down the stairs to go home. I decided on the way that I wanted some chocolate, detoured to Dollarama, and on my way home (to my pleasant surprise) was accosted by the man, heading to my building to pick something up from a friend. Long story short I got a spontaneous two-hour date and got to show him my place. It was a lovely cap to a great evening.

After I got home from the bar last night I chipped my tooth while eating, it takes a special kind of stupid. When I told Jess at work that my face hurt, she responded with, "I know! It's killing me!" The joke never got old, four hours later she was still saying it.

Walking home, I saw Roomie having a smoke by the library, and in the spirit of the season I sat myself down to say hello. When I left, it occurred to me just how fast I got over the bad boy thing. Why did I ever want to date someone like that? I have no idea what came over me, but its gone. I am so happy that my current beau is sweet and kind and all those warm fuzzy things that end up with him and I cuddling on a Monday afternoon. Not just that, but the fact that he makes sure I know that he wants to be there too. I've said it before, its a lovely cap to my year.

The longest paper

In the past 72 hours I have:

- Chewed four packs of gum
- Watched at least 15 episodes of the Gilmore Girls
- Seen Downfall
- Had sex three times
- Slept for 18 hours in five sessions (love those naps)
- Filed my nails
- Listened to 'Angel Mine' sixteen times
- Baked muffins
- Washed my hair once, and only once
- Had two dance parties alone in my apartment to Joss Stone
- Contemplated putting my head through a window
- Seriously contemplated getting high but deciding against it
- Written almost ten crappy pages of my last essay ever at McGill, and concluded that it probably would have turned out about the same if I had been high

I am currently contemplating it again. After this paragraph I'm going to call it a night, conclude this bitch tomorrow and hand it in by five. Then I am going to recruit some followers and treat myself to a fancy drink night out!

Lost in love on a Saturday night

Trying to write a paper, I've turned to memory as distraction. My last paper at McGill, ever, and I feel like a part of me, a small part, doesn't want to finish it because of what that means. And listening to Air Supply, I'm lost in an 80's love song mood. There's something about the synth that brings me back.

I looked at my calendar, and realized how quickly things are moving, how fast this past month has gone by, and how much I've tried to cram in to my days. I wish there was something I could do to make this last, this life that has made me. Every day keeps getting better and better, my home and my friends and this city.

Last night I had a super-date, first with Helen at dinner, then met up with her boyfriend and my non-boyfriend for a movie. Downfall. While heavy as sin, and difficult, and gruesome, I am going to highly recommend it. Even for the historically inept... well... maybe read up on the failure of the Third Reich beforehand. It was moving and incredibly well done, harsh and real and terrifying. Beautiful and awesome. So well done, and moving, and... oh go watch it. You will understand.

We all needed a drink, so headed off to the bar for an hour. I am actually dating the nicest boy in the world. We had our first sleepover, prompted by his rationale that it was too far for me to walk the extra two blocks home. I have the goofy grin on my face again. I got a great neckrub to counter my headbanging injuries, and we finally got to bed around 4. He even set the alarm half an hour early so we could hang out for a while in the morning. I swear I am on cloud nine. Its a great cap to my year, and a very lovely filler for all the free time I will have next week after I hand this paper in.

Its getting late, and I have 3 more pages to write before I am allowed to go to bed. Off to the fascists with me.

St Patrick's Recap and Quotes

Ah, nothing like celebrating a religious hero whose actions I find morally reprehensible with behaviour that he would probably find reprehensible. Thanks to a delicious poutine base, I didn't once tip over into 'scary drunk' and remained somewhere north of 'happily tipsy' for all eight hours of our 'night out'.

Bifteck followed by Cafe Campus, we danced until two then dragged home, spent. The music was great, we had some funny attempts and for some reason I managed to damage my neck dancing... must have been the rampant headbanging.

Without further 'a-do', here are the traditionally recorded quotes (with a stolen pen on a restaurant menu):

Pre-Drunk Phase
"Call me. 555-5555." - Anj

"The post-pope mortem." - Care

"Dear God, please let the Pope die so I can see the purple lights." - Ariel

"To drunken good times, and the death of the Pope"
"I'M NOT DRINKING TO THAT!!"
- Ariel makes the first toast of the night and Care doesn't like it

"I'll put the beer goggles on and grab a four!" - Sam

"And then I was doing the hand job on him, and he wasn't there..."
"Haha! Like a magic trick"
"Its the amazing disappearing penis!"
"Tick tick tick poof!"
- Ariel takes Care out of context

"I just had the overwhelming urge to lick her... I think it was the accent." - Care
"What? The gross accent? I'm gross!!" - Ariel is so proud

"Oh they are SO not old enough!"
"Look! Children! Lets buy them milk!"
- Sam and Care notice children in the bar

From the people next to us:
"Shhhh, there's babies in here. I have babies. Just joking." - Old man
"I was adopted (abducted) by Russian Jews." - Random woman

Post Drunk Face (Ariel mis-spells phase)
"Anjali is Satan"
"Care is Satan's secretary"

"If I look at it this way it's 5 to 9." - Ariel can't tell time

"I would gouge someone's eyes out right now for some Pee-Corn" - Anj

"It's Wednesday night! Ode to Doug Pub."
"Uh, except it's Thursday."
- Sam doesn't know what day it is

"If only this pen could dance." - Sam

"Insert dick please." - Ariel, in bad english accent

"Nice fur coat... you must be a pimp." - Anj

"That's three times on my face and one time on my 'I'm counting'." - Ariel on Care's saliva

"Sam just grabbed my crotch for fun." - Anj

"How is the line at Peel?! I'll show you the line at Peel!!" - Sam fake stabs girl on cell phone

"The bad kinds of migration: bimbo and boob." - Care

"You have all these accents from unknown locations." - Anj

"Its a cow NOT a double dick. Relax." - Ariel

"That would require a strap-on... strapon... STRAPON... Strap-fucking-on." - Ariel
"As long as she doesn't want to fuck me with it." - Care

"The Queen is dead!" - Anj

"I did NOT do the Heil Hitler sign." - Ariel

"No more dead Pope jokes, they're worse than dead baby jokes." - Care

"Why did Steve fall off the bicycle? Because he's a tomato! Bahaha! Yay Steve!" - Ariel

"I swear to God, it was ejaculate, not poofing." - Care interprets Ariel's hand motions
"What the hell kind of ejaculate makes a poof sound?!"

"Oooooh, this is like a bitter, caffeine, love adventure." - Care

"Saaaam, is eating pizzaaaaa..." - Ariel's pizza song
"Sam is about to fall over." - Sam's song

"Its like waves of chocolate guys! See?! Waves of chocolate." - Ariel

NUTBAR RABTUN BARNUT TUNRAB

What a night! My favourite part was when they played Rage at Cafe Campus... and when that gross guy told me Ariel was stupid. Ah good times. So raise a glass, here's to my last St. Pat's with my Montreal ladies... here's to four great years.

The lights

The lights were green again. I glanced up and saw them changed. Nothing else in this city tells the passing of time to me as they do. Green for St. Patrick's Day, my fourth set of green lights, my last set as well.

Last night as any other, my final paper rushed as the library devoured my soul. I gave him my sense of decency, and smiled. I have been walking around for two days with a goofy expression on my face, smitten.

I had so much to say last night but could not find the words, my hours slipped past and I eventually slept, haunted by strange dreams. My nights have been late, my mornings lazy.

Today will be like the others, busy in a non-sensical kind of way, capped by doubt and alcohol. I often wonder about my friends.

What I've been missing

What Numoy affectionately dubbed my 'hot date' was indeed a date and wasn't not hot ;) The only hitch being Roomie at my GD bar with his new GD girlfriend... or well... whatever Roomie does with girls. It appears to be a trend among my exes, that they have to find someone with the same name because otherwise they'd risk saying the wrong thing at an inopportune moment... but I was so engrossed in my evening that I didn't even notice them walking right past us to leave.

What I anticipated to be a fun night out with a nice boy that I was attracted to turned out to be a date with a lovely, funny, sweet boy that I found myself liking more than I'd expected. As he said later on, he has a habit of falling for girls who are leaving town. I realized how much I missed being with someone sweet, someone who was tender and kind and funny. I thought about it after he walked me home at 2:15 this morning, even though it was only two blocks from his house, and discovered that I couldn't remember the last time that I had been with someone that made me feel that good about myself.

And he said he might come out to beer pong tonight, which I'm looking forward to immensely whether he shows up or not. My partner in crime and I have a rematch scheduled, and Naomi's French boyfriend is in town! I'm going to be missing my recorded class again to get some essaying done and nap a bit to recover from my lack of sleep last night!!

Internet Dingoes

I did have a post yesterday but it was eaten by the evil internet dingoes. Today I am just quickly throwing this on the wall until later, when I get back from my shift. What Numoy claimed to be my 'hot date' went extremely well and I didn't get home until very late, hence me sitting here with no clothes on when I have to be at work in ten minutes. Off and away!

Red and White recap

Okay, so this will be short and sweet due to drunkeness and tiredness. Mission Mr. CS accomplished, and I am so proud of myself for this one. Saw almost everyone I wanted to and generally danced around and acted silly. Maybe didn't drink quite enough, but I'm happier being slightly sober and having not shown everyone my lack-of-underwear.

So here I am, almost 3am, having walked home in a pretty pink dress and pretty pink shoes, drunkish and waiting for my Gilmore Girls episodes to finish downloading (8 more minutes!!). I have a date on Monday that is now officially a date, and ostensibly the beginning of a 2-month relationship-type-thing. I could not be more pleased about how that all turned out. If anything I would wish for more dirty dancing with Ian, but beggars cannot be choosers.

At that, I will bid you adieu.

The trouble with keggers

The trouble with keggers, my friends, is that one has paid a fixed rate for an unfixed amount of beer. This is the problem with open bars as well. The problem is, of course, that one has no impetus to stop drinking. When paying per drink, running out of money (or only brining enough money to buy a certain number of drinks) is a good way of ending the evening. When you have no limit, and your friends are minding the kegs... well, your evening turns out similar to mine, and includes compromising positions with coworkers, stumbling home with a stranger, and pizza.

I mean, not that compromising, but enough that my next shift will be entertaining. Its not the same coworker that I have the quasi-date with, its the one who came on to me at Bifteck last month. Ahh it was lovely. I will miss kissing in the snow when I am finally gone from this frigid hellhole.

Anyways, today has been very lazy, and I've been wandering around nude for about three hours. Just another reason to love having my own place. Will have to put on clothes soon, before Jess arrives to get ready for the Prom... heeheehee.

I've lost my voice...

...and it has been happening more and more lately. Every time I get sick it disappears for at least a few days, and right now we are going on 3 days. I am not happy. Its getting worse. In fact, unless something miraculous happens tonight, it will probably be gone by tomorrow. Tomorrow is the big school dance! Just kidding with the melodrama, but it is annoying to know that I will want to talk all night to tons of people and instead will have to fashion some sort of etch-a-sketch style communication device. Or learn how to spell out things with my limbs... which might be tough in heels.

But fuck it, I am still going out tonight, because I didn't go out last night in the hopes that I would get it back by treating it well. But endless water and humidifying later and I am worse than ever!

Speaking of, I am going to hop in the shower and try to make myself presentable. At least people will want to talk to me until they hear me speak.

Compromised

I feel like this blog has become compromised by too many people knowing it exists. As I sat through Mike reading it next to me, I wondered if maybe I had gone too far, reached a critical mass. Self-indulgence is one thing, but does everyone have to see it? This is the struggle of the private-exhibitionist. I write knowing that certain people are reading, of course, how can one not be aware of a potential audience? I also write knowing that certain people are not, like my mother, because if they were, the editing would become so obscene that I couldn't keep it going.

I always intended this to be a diary of sorts, to be a place where I could collect my thoughts and go back to remember where I had been. Especially since these days, I can't remember last week, let alone last month. I have often contemplated changing my format, and I think that my next 'chapter' of sorts will be more public-friendly, less self-indulgent and generally more widespread in its dissemination.

It hit me harder than it ever has before, last night, that I have said things on this blog that certain people shouldn't be reading. The individuals with pseudonyms spring to mind here: Roomie, Apartment Boy, Curly, to name a few. And despite the fact that they are aware that I keep this running commentary, none of them have ever pushed me to show them. But here I am, and seeing as how Curly is now aware that this goes on, I am compromised in what I write tonight. Can I write it and just say no to him if he asks to see it? Or should I keep things quiet and play safe just in case things come out?

I will choose the latter, but exercise subtlety. Indeed, its been a tightrope walk already with the current crowd. Howdy everyone, hope you're having fun down here in my psyche, she's practically bursting with opinion.

Highlights? Indeed. Yesterday at work I was in a foul mood. Pair a bad, cold morning with serving people and you have me, irate, and dealing with morons. One particular moron approaches me holding two rolls of packing tape (to buy) and a large stack of about two hundred post-card sized club pamphlets. The very same that litter my streets, waste my paper, are annoyingly thrust towards my chest as I walk peacefully through the gates, and tend towards depicting women in an inappropriately sexualized manner. A certain poster for Le Swimming's Halloween party springs to mind. Anyways. I loathe these posters. Along with SUVs and mini-carrots, they are symbolic of everything that is wrong with our society. And you can get my mini-carrot rant later. So I politely informed him(and I swear, honest to God truth, I was polite, because you all know me very well) that I had a moral objection to selling him the tape and my coworker would be happy to help him. He freaked out on me and stormed out of the store. Another job well done, I mentally dusted my hands and smiled. As I've said a million times: what are they going to do? Fire me? With only two months left? Shyeah, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

My quasi-date with Mr. CS progresses, now having an amorphous time in mind (next Monday, woot) and hopefully I will have recovered from Saturday enough to go about my business. Although this week seems to have been a bit of a bust thus far (beer pong last night was far too full of first years for my liking) and tomorrow might not go down due to my progressing illness (gotta beat it before the weekend), next week is shaping up. Just have to write my paper and I'm golden.

Hypochondriac? Only time will tell

I've been feeling 'off' lately. I use 'off' because there is no other word to describe it. I can't focus, I am tired constantly despite excessive amounts of sleep, and feel generally wretched with no good reason. I have no symptoms of other diseases. At a loss, I went for a very long walk and cut out my junk food. Over 24 hours later I still feel tired and out of it. Thinking it might be my thyroid (and since my mother has a similar problem) I went searching the web.

Of course, the problem with searching the web for these things is you inevitably come out feeling like you have something terminal. For me, the clinching moment was when I reached up and felt my neck. Sure enough, I've got something funny going on around there. Swelling of one's neck is not good, and indeed, the word goiter is never good. So I poked around a bit more, stretched my mind back for early symptoms and called my mother. Yes it is a genetic disorder, yes I do have a lot of symptoms, and yes I am damn sick and tired of sleeping so damn much. Time used to be that I could sit tight with six hours under my belt for weeks on end, crashing on weekends, and feel totally fine. These days I'm swimmy and can't drag my ass out of bed to save it.

At least I know its not a salt thing, I'm going to call health services from work tomorrow and set up some blood-work. Mmmm, blood-work.

Useless

I am having a useless day. In fact, drag that from Friday and I've been having a useless span of a few days. Mostly 'fat' and/or 'ugly' days, I have sat around, watched movies, ate too much and generally felt useless. Its 2:30 in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. What is wrong with this picture?

Friday and Saturday I was so useless that I ceased to function socially. Numoy and I headbutted each other in class (accidentally of course) and spent the next forty-five minutes giggling. I would have killed us. From that point on I was a lost cause. Stuck my foot in my mouth saying inane things on Saturday at work. Overall I should have been locked in a cage with Gilmore Girls DVD's until I started to act like a sane human being again. It is my personal opinion that I'm not quite ready to come out of this metaphorical cage.

Since I feel like the grossest person alive right now, the only remedy is to go for a long walk. Of course, I can't do that in the snow without a purpose (otherwise I'd be crazier than I already am), so ostensibly I am walking to Mont-Royal to poke through used clothing stores while listening to retro music. Its gonna be sweet, and hopefully aid my recovery.

Where everybody knows your name

There's just something lovely about knowing that on a Thursday night I can walk in to my local off the street and run into enough people to keep me entertained until Tuesday. Last night was a special treat though.

Rounding out the crowd at BDP was Krista and co, which was really great, and we spent the night over beer talking about sex. How is it that these days, all my bar-talk ends up being sex-talk? Regardless, it was nice to share any bar-talk with a new group of people, great people, and I had another 'leaving-Montreal-moment' that passed as soon as the next round arrived. All these great people that I'm not friends with yet, but probably could be if time would slow down long enough to get to know them.

I was in resounding support of a change of scenery, simply because that change was Bifteck. What can I say? The second I heard it pop out of Mike's mouth I was putting on my coat. Some guys from first year were the first thing I saw when I walked in. Two of them are, without a doubt, my favourite first year boys, and it was lovely to see them and catch up a bit. The evening was a stream of familiar faces, and the best part is that not a one belonged to anybody I had emotional landmines with (although a coworker of mine, a Biffers regular, seemed a little off with me).

My original company left before I did, as I was content to nurse my beer and jump tables. Who was that company? Curly of course. Of course. Can you hear me rolling my eyes? Its too bad we were stuck with someone else around, otherwise I could have gotten a straight answer from the guy. I managed to get enough to find out that there was some mea culpa from Curly. Yes, that's right, the big ol' 'I made a mistake'. Jeez, I didn't know whether to feel screwed around, and maybe I do a little bit, but he's a sweet guy so I will let it pass, plus any man admitting he made a mistake is worth something. I didn't even see the damn thing coming, and you can blame it on the beer, but it took me a few hours to realize that what I had deemed harmless flirting was actually him trying to backpedal. As much as I don't believe in making out with people in my bar, one thing did lead to another... I'll just have to get the whole story tonight.

On the job

She had a funny smile on her face when I turned back to my cash register.
"Did he just ask you out?" Her dimples taunted me.
To be honest, I couldn't remember if I had mentioned a drink before he did, we had spent almost two hours talking over the course of my shift. My response was flustered. "I don't think so, I mean, I had suggested a drink earlier, I think, when we were talking, before, on my break."
"It sounded like he wanted to make sure, he repeated it twice." Her smile grew.
I could feel my face getting red, and couldn't figure out why. Sure, I thought he was cute, and funny, and we would lose ourselves talking on breaks until the P.A. system dragged me back down to work. And sure, the thought had crossed my mind once I discovered that my assumptions about his sexuality were mistaken. But still, I had never planned to do anything about my latent interest. Of course, that was all before it was sparked. She looked at me, teasing. I grabbed the phone and made a closing announcement.

As we counted out, I thought through the evening. The pieces started to come together. Yes, our second-floor meetings were regular, but tonight he had wandered in the second I stepped out of the elevator with Char. And yes, he tended to stop by to chat with us on his way out the door, but tonight he stuck around for nearly an hour, until we started to close down our end of the store. Could she have seen something I didn't? So now, of course, thanks to my nosy and mildly more observant co-worker, I have a funny feeling that I have a quasi-date in my future.

Sweeet

Oh so I retain my beer-pong title, recruited as a partner, we killed in three straight games, and I managed to get ridiculously drunk for $13, which is always a good idea.

Just the night I was looking for, as Mike and I debated the finer points of beauty and sexuality. I honestly feel like he sees me, and as much as the walks home are sweet, I know I can take myself, which is even more empowering than winning at beer pong.

Beautiful as Ian and I have found a new level, and are now some amazing low-key drinking buddies. I cannot wait for my next phone call. Thank God I am no longer refusing any invitations.

As I have said numerous times: the worst that can happen is that you have a story to tell.

Lousy Smarch weather...

I almost bailed on work today, it was snowing that much, but my power was out and the extra sleep wasn't worth thirty dollars, so out I went.

It feels great to be back to my routine. I will miss this life so much when I leave it for good, and I'm glad that next year I have the opportunity to do it all over again in a different place. A place without supreme winters. I'm back in my element: planning, running, working, singing and dancing my way through the snow and slow-walkers. Skipping through my shift, serving several friendly faces, sharing the news and talk of our breaks. Visiting with coworkers and getting the skinny on their lives, we are all racing towards graduation. Wandering back towards home, I hit Krista outside the Arts Building, barely recognizing her in a borrowed coat and lovely, sexy new hair. Got food with her, came home and will be off to class, class and hopefully beer later on.

Was singing myself home when I came across a song in my head that I didn't expect to be there. And it got me thinking: on occasion I have felt manipulated in relationships, or more rightfully, that maybe I was dating someone as a crutch, and that they knew it. I am sure that on occasion I have been a crutch for someone else. But as often as I insist that its good for nobody, what is wrong with having a crutch for a while as long as you recognize it as temporary? Nobody wants one forever, but we all need a little help walking on our own two feet sometimes. So what I'm really asking is, where's my glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer?

A new day

I got home this morning from my trip.

The worst part of my time away was driving in his car. It remained eerily familiar and I couldn't shake my discomfort.

When I left, dry-eyed, Carl, Noel and I sped towards the station. A familiar song, old, but somehow lined up on CD as if I was meant to hear it. The tears came then, as I played my Waterloo montage through my mind.

I wrote this post sitting in the Kitchener train station on Sunday night, my train was almost half an hour late. I will not edit it, because that would change what it means.

I listened to Tracy Chapman, which was probably a bad idea, and played our montage. It was lovely, and I recalled things that I hadn't thought of in a year. It felt good to be able to smile.

I cried, and the people around me pretended not to notice.

But once the train pulled away, I disconnected.

"I'll wake up in a different place. What is it worth? She asked me why I had come, and I couldn't tell her. I didn't know.

When he said, "Speechless, for once," my heart broke a little. I could feel my old life starting to slide away. These are the first of so many people I will say goodbye to. It feels like the beginning of an end.

Twelve hours in transit, I am born again. Understanding, somehow, that in the grand scheme of my life, this has been so much and so insignificant. That we have shaped each other, even if I am inclined to admit it, and he prefers to stay silent. He has his reasons as I have mine.

'If it had to be someone, I'm glad it was you'

I could almost hear the words slip past lips. My boo, my ex, my zed, now something else. I will wake up to a new dawn, a beginning as much as an end."

And so ended my trip, which ultimately I am glad to have taken. What did I get out of it? Some degree of closure, of awareness that we had managed to pass the awkward ex stage and move into reestablishing ourselves as friends. While we will never be quite the same again, it seemed like a step in the right direction. I have managed to let go, to reduce bitterness and my convictions that I built to save my heart so long ago. It feels like years. I am glad we had enough time to pass the awkwardness and see each other as we did two years ago: as friends, as people who deeply care for each other and know each other so well.

I no longer feel that he has just written me out of his life; I realize that it is as impossible for him as it is for me. Such time, such changes we wrought upon each other. That will never disappear.

He and I will always have good memories, and space in each others' hearts.